Fun fact if you talk to me past midnight i get real personal and it’s weird
12:00am- oh I man I love cheese pizza too!
12:01am- I killed a man once
so my mum told me that as a kid she would peel an apple and throw the peel over her shoulder, and the peel would take the shape of the first letter of her future spouse. naturally, i decided to do it and
i’m fucking crying
it says ‘no.’
it literally says NO.
oh my god
Just found out Dior discontinued the 2005 Miss Dior Cherie.
Phew! That was close! I didn’t know how long Tumblr was going to be down for there. I was almost productive.
Also, if you want creme de la creme of my embarrassing sex stories here it comes:
I shall set the scene for you~
valentines day, much romance, the day to fuck.
I decided to gift myself a valentines day strap on, all for me, my own. Yay.
Find a willing participant to test said toy out with…Go to her house and get down on it~.
Okay, it’s great, you get to watch boobs bouncing and it’s the most beautiful site ever (like holy shit bouncing boobs are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen). AND JUST AS WE WERE BOTH STARTING TO THROUGHLY ENJOY OURSELVES HER PARENTS CAME HOME.
She jumps off me and starts flailing around trying to get clothes on as her parents walk up the steps, I am lying there ~in the words of Die antwoord~ “like a doos with my dick out”. She looks at me, and she’s like “CLOTHES!?!?” I jump up, so fast i hit my neck on the roof (slanted roof) and cut it open, i am flailing around in pain, spurting blood from my neck, with a fucking rubber wang on. HER DAD STARTS TO WALK UP THE LADDER INTO HER ROOM, she managed to stop him from coming up (and being potentially blinded from seeing me). But still to this day I have a lovely scar on the back of my neck to remind me.
This is too beautiful not to reblog.
If I had any embarrassing sex stories, I would share them with you (it’s not that I’m not embarrassing or awkward, I’m just so embarrassing and awkward I’m alone)
Bebe Zeva (via milksorbet)
I’ve got to say, this is the most polite unsolicited facebook harassment I’ve ever received.